My wife in real life is to blame for Jordis’ death–or is at least an accessory. She got me involved in a video game for our Playstation. The game is called Skyrim, and in it you–the player–answer destiny’s call to save the realm from ancient long-dead dragons who are mysteriously coming back to life and laying waste to the simple, cheese-eating folk of Skyrim. The game is far more submersive than that tank game that came free with my last console. You know, the one where you’d fire a little dot at a bigger clump of dots and the little dot would go “boop……boop…boop. KKKRRRTTHHHHTTHH-SSSSSSS”. Unlike Tank, in Skyrim, you interact with computer-controlled people, some of whom are even the opposite sex. In fact, you’re allowed to marry one, if they agree that is.
I proposed to Jordis, my “House Carl”—that is a sort of court-appointed body guard. Because, as the “Thane of Solitude”, I was important. And, being important, I had a bodyguard who apparently liked what she saw. It all started out a bit awkward, because I was dipping my feather quill in the company ink, after all. But I wasn’t about to let such trifles stop me. After she said “yes”, and she did say “yes”, I had to drag my ass all the way to the other end of Skyrim, to the Temple of Mara to schedule our nuptials.
The priest said “Great, meet us here tomorrow at dawn for the ceremony”.
Do you remember in Casablanca, when Jan Brandel tells Captain Renault he’ll be at his office at 6 AM, and Renault smiles and says “Fantastic, I’ll be there at 10”? My wedding day kind of worked out like that. I have no idea when dawn is in real life, let alone in Skyrim. So I guesstimated that 8 AM would do.
I’m not 100% sure I didn’t accidentally kill Jordis as we walked through the temple doors.
She audibly sniffed at me and said “You have some nerve speaking to me, after what you did.”
I was aghast! Agog! To my empty living room out loud in real life, I said “You never showed up!”
She didn’t hear me because, you know, she’s a computer program. But in the game, I had the option to apologize profusely, assume full responsibility, and reschedule the wedding, which I chose. So, I schlepped to the Temple again, arranged for another wedding day, and endured a harangue from the priest about how I had disrespected Mara by standing Jordis up at the alter. Again they laid the “show up at dawn tomorrow” thing on me. But this time, I showed up at 5 AM and waited for her. Sure enough, Jordis arrived, and Serena the Vampiress showed up as well. And then I thought, “Well this is awkward.”
Then, when we entered the temple, and in the audience sat Lydia, my House Carl who I married in a previous play-through. “Huh”, I thought, “Well, this is even more awkward.” I was getting nervous. Would Lydia say something? When they say “speak now or forever hold you peace”, would Serena stand up and proclaim her undying, undead love for me? I mean those priests had been really mean to me.
In spite of my worries, nothing like that happened. Serena and Lydia were cool. But what happened next is a bit of a mystery. I’m not 100% sure I didn’t accidentally kill Jordis as we walked through the Temple Doors.
As she and I were going through the doors, I realized I needed to visit the bathroom in real life, so I set my controller down, and as I stood, the controller slid off the ottoman onto the floor pressing the button that casts the spell I use to kill dragons. Oh, and it also steals your opponent’s’ souls and puts them in a special rock I carry around in my pocket. Lydia definitely died, Serena survived because she’s immortal, but there was no sign of Jordis. I looked around outside the temple for her body or a pile of ashes–which sometimes happens. I could find no trace of her.
She never showed up back at my house in Solitude either, and now I have no bodyguard.
All in all, my foray into matrimony in Skyrim was not what I’d call a success. But you know, it occurs to me, I might be carrying her soul around in a rock in my pocket, which you have to admit, is a little romantic.
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“Jordis” image was created for use on Unofficial Elder Scrolls Pages (UESP) using components taken from the Elder Scrolls series of video games or from websites created and owned by Bethesda Softworks. The copyright for the components is held by Bethesda Softworks while the copyright for this particular composition is held by UESP. It is available for use under the Attribution-ShareAlike 2.5 License